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An endless stir of emotion, paranoia creeping up my spine to cause dysfunction to my eardrums and motor function. It hasn’t been long since he returned to take my soul, healing more with each night of rest with his arms holding me close–psychosis eludes me the most, it is a war each day I live without a true home to restore this vessel.

The smell of infection fill my nostrils, a cyst has burst in my right sinus cavity after several years of festering due to neglect and ignorance of what I had done to my body from living amongst black mold and asbestos–even worse than that, what I had done to my brain snorting methamphetamine primarily in that sinus¹. The infection spreading down into my right upper jaw to impact my gums. Flossing an obligatory routine that should be done more than once a day, the pain goes from my temporalis down to my hip; blood circulation regaining a pace that it has not seen in years. After doing physical therapy for the TMJ I developed from my drug use², I have realized there is an obstruction to my right ear canal that is very slowly dissipating from the myofascial release, stretches, and EMS device. I am continuing on with my life despite the mental torture I endure on a daily basis from psychosis, living in the hopes that unclogging my head will then free my mind from the nonsense whispers that take from sincere independent thought.

This pain makes me sick alongside the smell being virtually unbearable while being entirely unavoidable. Surgical intervention would be the more effective route with the consideration that the bacteria would not be entering my blood stream the way it is now–without insurance and a valid fear of surgeries after my past traumatic experiences with “basic” procedures, this nauseating pain will have to be experienced; all is temporary in the end, and it certainly is superior to allowing it to continue to exist within my one and only human body.

Listening and watching a juvenile crow scream as its parents sit near, I am feeling a tad guilty for not having offerings for them within reach. The day before I had seen one making off with a white object in their mouth with the juvenile screaming following behind them, it is a pleasantry to see this family reside here at Roméo’s workplaces parking lot. The pain in my right sinus and temporalis is getting to me, but at least I have a thoughtful distraction within view. I will be more considerate and have gifts for this family the next time I am here, I know Roméo will want to do the same. The Bay Area crows are quickly becoming our family.

Massaging my crunchy right sinus, all I can think about is how I might be able to reduce the pain and accelerate the draining of the cyst so it could be processed and gotten over. I feel like this will be over before I know it, better now than never–this situation of being without healthy housing is detrimental to my bladder and digestions, most likely allowing toxins to linger longer than expected. It’s awful spooky how this might not have ever been released if it was not for using the EMS device on my temples, masseter, and cervical vertebrae. The sensation of it bursting was an immense relief, though the foul odor is something I despise and look forward to when it is fully dispersed.

The asymmetry of my face is decreasing with each passing day of physical therapy, intensive exercise, healthy diet, and fresh air–fresher than Texas, at the very least. I am looking forward to the day when I could look into the mirror and see myself for the first time again, it has been difficult to go through life as an adult unable to see how I actually look. It does not matter how many compliments I receive on my appearance, I will not be happy until every muscle of mine is clear and tight. I need my lymph nodes to be fully drained for seemingly the first time, it exhausts my body how much fluid has built up since my childhood in relation to the various MCAS food triggers that I have, that all happen to be of the top allergens. It is not IgE related, so it mustn’t be real! A faker, spoiled brat, ungrateful for being averse to the foods that make me sick. Addicted to the foods that killed me with each smell, each bite. The removal of my gallbladder nearly eleven years ago now was the start to my terror filled journey that made it impossible to ignore the inflammation throughout my body. It started with my neurology and ended with my gut emptying out food from my mouth on a near weekly basis. The memories of the time periods I had “remission” on medications that diverted my body’s mechanisms to temporarily hide symptoms, are hazy at best and also when I was the least myself. Being addicted to video games and anime are not personality traits and are hobbies that distract from reality in order to make a more compliant worker who has fictitious goals in mind to drive them to do mindless labor.

My perspectives on reality that I derive from my own experience and from the communications I have made with others (nationally and internationally) is something that I can tell often causes discomfort when shared because confronting ones own destructive lifestyle is uncomfortable. I am not uncomfortable sharing, I am but a mammal that can catch a whiff of hormones being emitted that then make me aware of the listeners negative emotion. Even those closest to me who nod their heads at the words that I spit out radiate an energy of vehement disagreement that I believe to be cowardly to withhold from sharing (but hey, I can also be a coward out of mental drainage). The projection that others bring to the table makes this game we all play out of obligation incredibly weak, it lacks a path toward growth–I have complex trauma that I must sweep under the rug to accommodate the emotions of cowards who wish to live within a padded room of torturous isolation of their own creation. What life experience I have to share is concerning, it makes those who take it in feel traumatized in return–how fearful it is to grow a backbone with empathy rather than one of psychopathy that only cares for instantaneous gratification that seeks to do nothing but stimulate an economy built on slave labor.

There is so much more I could do to decrease the suffering in the world, with every little action comes gradual change–“watch and learn”, a motto I try to stand behind as I get gawked at for not wearing an oppressive garment that cuts off the blood circulation of my breasts that once fed my only son. My attempts to avoid plastic seems futile when every other utility object seems to add it to their design to reduce weight and costs. The way I choose to eat is a heavy expense that I technically cannot afford, and the burden I bare to share the information I’ve learned that common foods could cause cancer for an estimated fifth (at the least) of the population is perceived to be utter horseshit according to individuals who rely on doctors who prescribe them tranquilizing drugs so they might live blissfully unaware of killing themselves and shelling out cash to do so.

It is a gift to be cursed with knowledge that seldom is acknowledged or cared for, the mainstream perspective is more valuable, and conspiracy theories that misunderstand and fear monger are all too common in discrediting the causes that I suffer for. Oversea wars an epic distraction from the war going on at home, these people become a sacrifice for the cults of money, credit, industrialization. The conquest longstanding since the eruption of America and the genocide that took place here so industrialization could take the health and soul of millions (or is it billions & counting?), whose kin now carry the generational trauma from the endurance of poisons and toxins to gain the cults currency that can be gained from worshipping the materialistic causes. The idolatry of celebrities and products is normalized, the church has become a place to play pretend after a traumatic event or a holiday comes around. The church being a relic of assimilation, of a new culture that arose from genocide–for thousands of lost peoples must cling to some kind of morality that may or may not strengthen their bloodline. The bible full of nonsense that is not criticized enough and often misinterpreted to be of a positive manifestation, as it is a difficulty for many men to see that the fictitious book would be a development by a trickster entity who is both the God and the Devil. There might be a level of value in these depraved fantasies, but I know deep within my soul that is encoded by DNA that took billions of years to get to this state, that there is something deeper and more meaningful that was experienced by my ancestors of the Americas and Europe.

The cults of money & industrialization has created a place that thrives on oppressing peoples through worship & underpaid production to gain currency, that then must be praised endlessly in order to survive a world where the subversion of these cults could lead to death or imprisonment. The latter of which is an extremely expensive punishment to incur that’d be better off being placed into producing a world without socially constructed currency that loses meaning with each passing second it is violated for the luxury of scammers who steal and spawn this nonsense so they may then distribute it to other scammers who pimp out adults and children alike. Drugs that were once sacred to rituals which strengthened the body and soul are now a status symbol that is abused and cause incredible destruction to the mind &/or body.

Bathrooms are now a place to be gate kept while it is a crime to urinate and defecate in the public sphere, this essential accommodation leads to people who are rancid from releasing their waste onto themselves after a long period of general discomfort from being forced to hold toxin filled material that has to be exuded before it causes illness to the body & mind. Bodies of water are now polluted to the point of being radioactive & unhealthy for bathing, indigenous people became subjugated for not adhering to the ways of the filthy monarchistic European lifestyle of hard unpaid labor and their inaccessibility to baths. It is now no longer an option to bathe in these waters, for they’re owned and stolen from, and we are vindicated for daring to be nude in public.

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