073024

Tomorrow is the last day of July, the past two weeks since Roméo’s arrival have been a stressful and blissful blur that has brought us closer together. Teamwork at times take from our relationship¹, but the hardship of it is what grows it–how else might this happen?

This morning we stopped at the Grocery Outlet in Oakland, CA, to see if there were any tissues, and before heading in I was aghast at the raggedy looking pigeons pecking around the parking lot that was caked in their bird shit. While stumbling about I saw one flattened pigeon and a dead pigeon right beside where there was a small wood and trash fire. The pigeons strutted away from me upon my approaching them, ruffled feathers and weirdly fat yet deprived bodies, several of them on the sidewalk going loaf-mode with one eye blinking at a time. I cannot help but wonder whether or not these pigeons are getting poisoned in some manner as I look at two cars covered in their white shit below the power-line they often perch themselves on, and how they fester in it as they also hang out on the sidewalk and parking lot they love to defecate upon. The Grocery Outlet did not have boxes of tissues.

Tip-toeing on this line of uncertainty while I regenerate my body from a lifetime of being plundered and mangled by others including by myself. A certainty that I will continue to spend time and care for the well-being of the Bay Area and California in general, with a deep uncertainty regarding whether or not it would be safe for me to continue living on here. Oil refineries, food manufacturing, inconveniencing rules to discourage those who subvert from the standard American lifestyle the middle-class was propagandized into believing to be Godliness. An adoration for the rich and diverse culture that makes the California Bay Area what it is, where I once had an under appreciation due to the toxic assimilated mindset of my parental figures and of those they chose to surround themselves with. Prior to my resignation from California in 2018, I was twenty years old going on twenty-one and incredibly maladjusted from years of isolation from a combination of overprotection and debilitating disability that had festered post-gallbladder removal in December 2013 (it was removed the day rooftop agility was released on Oldschool Runescape). Once I was a legal adult I was choosing to spend time with radical feminists in Oakland and San Francisco every other month, it was a means of socializing and feeling comfort in my body as a trans individual who wanted to believe that there was another way to cope with dysphoria that was not medical transition. Being around gender nonconforming women, many of whom were detransitioned, gave me a sense of ease that opened my mind to the possibilities of how I could experience gender, especially when I was traumatized from my surgery at sixteen years old, I learned to cope; by learning to cope, I then put my gender identity into a box to be ignored for years to come in order to be an indentured servant for undeserving men.

Feeling clueless to reality at times after spending much of it easily able to socialize and connect with individuals over a computer screen without the concern of sensory related triggers to add a barrier to meaningful social connection. Now that I am back in the process of placing disabling symptoms into remission, I am able to continue understanding the game that I may then deconstruct and choose to make into what I please–for if I were to not do this, I would be getting on my knees and submitting to a life of worsening disability and having my labor used for an overlord who cares not for my wellbeing. The pathologizing of Autism a telling concept to me, as it seems we all exist with some level of confusion regarding the systems in place that make up reality because it is not an innate form of humanity that is in place as the mainstream internationally. We are often forced to subscribe to cultures not our own, and more blatantly, adhere to the cults of money & industrialization, that is not ours nor innate to much of the cultures that make up the diverse groups within humanity… they are an atrocity that is ignored or shown with a laugh-track playing in the back.

Being “neurotypical” is a socially constructed ideal that seeks to prioritize socially submissive peoples into being moving pieces on the board that keep unstable systems in place that seem to only make sense to those that have accepted them as their gospel. Nothing more than a gnat on a window attempting to reach great heights that are clear yet blatantly inaccessible. While “autistic” male children with their testosterone are more likely to aggressively be a chaotic individual, “autistic” female children with their estrogen are more likely to be quiet and attempt to submit in order to appease those they are obligated to socially interact with. Now, what were to happen if society in general is bombarded with endocrine disruptors that favor estrogen?

While I do find psychology incredibly fascinating and believe it is of great urgency that all peoples study it, I concretely know deep down that commodifying the “mentally ill” and gatekeeping psychological treatment has eroded society; the pharmaceutical industry and privatization of healthcare was one of the greatest mistakes in human history. This a claim that hardly needs to be explained to an American when countless communities have been destroyed by opiates and stimulants, oftentimes the addiction spawning from a prescription or even a relatives shared prescription medication. The lack of efficacy regarding prescription psychological medications that also come with incredible side effects while also stripping users of their unique thoughts that create their personality has left our society to rot in a void of unoriginality in order to cull frenzied minds that were not allowed to learn to cope with being alive.

Full of empathy and lacking it, experiencing a contradicting duality makes socializing a fickle game that I would never wish away. The lack of empathy is an obligation as I regularly experience interactions where I could tell the individual does not have empathy for me and how that attitude is one that leads to the oppression of fellow disabled people especially those who are born female. There is an unwillingness to learn the mind and body that then brings down everyone around them who does, as they take their psychological medications with cries of how they couldn’t function without it. It leaves a rotten egg in my cheek that makes it impossible to confidently respond to because there is a high level of difficulty in talking someone out of years of brainwashing done to them by price-gouging therapists. We must starve for the wealthy’s feeble psyche and for the psychologists home in the hills.

VII – IX