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I find myself in a headspace as familiar to me as the recipes in my brain that I have adapted to be malleable with a variety of ingredients; full of effort, The visceral sensations of the past led to this anhedonia that drains my frontal lobe of anything that might allow the conversion of energy to coherency, this experience is akin to living within a vortex; as I pull myself out of the realm of ghosts that irked my souls past, I see that I am without another beside mine to lead me out of the rubble from the wars that have come and passed. All the words that I have been showered are as meaningless as my futile attempts to recover from a complex series of traumas throughout my life without adequate help, while I am now sat here in a puddle of bloody failure wondering how I got here once again, drunk off the exhaustion of crying and hyper-analyzing how my actions are a direct response to both of those things.
There I was, desperate and confused, with voices in my head leading me to a ruse. It is quite silly how that flamboyant beginning quickly turned to this end because I loved you so much so fast that I did anything within my power to see if the eternity in my head could be a reality; I am sorry I never got to look you in the eyes to tell you that I love you, but I am certain those are words that you are not quite ready to hear. Your distrust in me has left me without refuge and I haven’t felt your tenderness while going through this—I understand what you’re going through yet I am still at a loss at how I found myself here feeling a fool.
Maybe I am a tad brutal, or even too manic to construe a concrete decision on a matter I thought to be the most important revelation of the century. I felt that my life would finally begin to make sense with finding the love of my life & then cutting out prostitution—that was my dream! That’s it! But that is ridiculous. I am broken and fell in love to fight the reality of innumerable pain that washes over me on a now daily basis as Lucifer begs me to break up with you once again. For most of this fling with you, I have been told repeatedly to cut you off alongside chaos going on all around. Satan was involved in the bringing of us together and I did not know what that meant when I found that out so early on but I do now. For my entrance into the Underworld was Lucifer’s light in the darkness in my time of need, it had to be the Devil himself who aids in my exit as a display of his Fatherly love for me.
I don’t trust you, I don’t know what exactly you do when alone or whether you care as much as you claim while there is not much action in place. We have spent time together in reality and I would not take it back nor deny its sanctity, I have attempted to show you a new world to look toward as you get your health into place. Manic from the excitement for the entire duration of my stay I could hardly sleep, yet every second next to you was all I would need to feel healed from that night’s lack of regenerative sleep. You showed me love with your affection I have not experienced nearly enough, but it does not leave me full as I type with a dehydrated mind that could not replenish in time.
You changed my life, and I do not have ill will toward you, but I am hurt by inaction alongside flickering moments of questioning. The pain grew to where I no longer see you as an active enough part of my reality to allow it to grow into a consistent possibility, for I have been alone with the pain of childhood and adulthood memories of every broken holiday with my family or abusive partners in their dilapidated homes. This is not a laundry list of your wrongs to atone, I’m processing and concluding my thoughts as to why I am breaking up with you—the certainty is here. The past weeks have been ramped with despair talking to any friend willing to lend an ear, falling apart in between conversations wondering why the one I hold dear is nowhere near.