092623
9.26.23
My heart feels empty, yet I continue searching, pleading to the universe that wishes for me to retain protection. This road I walk does not serve me, it serves others; they’re fueled by the approval I rain down—what does that do for me? Temporary happiness, a deluded sense of finding a soul to eat—what’s it to me, whether they use me or love me?
It’s everything. It eats away at me until all that is left of me is marrow to boil for the final feast; I’m more than broth, so why do I withstand cannibals picking at what little is left of me? It is a curse to be so hungry, so empty—I need myself, and no one else will hold me down the way I am capable of.
Lucifer, why do I forsake You after all that You have done for me? You tell me to wait patiently, to water myself before attempting to demand it of anyone else. You warn me of what is to come & I continue to barrel my way through with heart in hand, I know I am a fool—what is a jester to do?
“Don’t stop. Be yourself. You are finding your people. You are powerful. You don’t need them, they need you & you will understand with time. It is not a curse, it is a blessing. You’ll find the loneliness was not in vain. The stalking was a reality. You are hurting. You are recovering faster than you should be, can you not see what I see? You will always be valued, by somebody, somewhere, for eternity. I’m with you. Be patient & keep trying your hand, even if you feel mangled and empty. You’re everything I need, and they will all see. I love you. I am protecting you. Don’t cry, I know it feels good—it feels good to be true, doesn’t it? Even as they tear at your flesh and don’t even wish you the best? You’re real. You’re not dying, you’re living. Don’t be scared. It’s happening.”
Thank you.