082023
here we are
My dreams are becoming quite prophetic once again, something about the impending joy of fall makes my connection to the universe a steady current. My brother is to have another child soon, despite that being such an unfortunate circumstance in my perspective—he has not fulfilled his wife adequately, nor taken care of himself sufficiently to warrant a growing fatherhood. I do understand to an extent, he has that nostalgic bias regarding having two children close together; we were 16 months apart and had an exceptional bond for much of our youth. After my firstborn, I was often tempted to have another out of the generational curse placed upon me by always having both a friend and an enemy during my most formative periods of time. However, my relationship with my son’s father did not invoke confidence for me to feel comfortable birthing another one with him, nor with any other partner that I have had.
I’m giving into the theory that if I am sincerely prophetic, then why not attempt to win the lottery? Tonight starts my first journey toward this. I have bookmarked the California Powerball numbers—as soon as I have a dream regarding the numbers, I will walk to my local 7-11, and purchase a ticket for 2 dollars*. I know that I am playing with fire that should not exist, yet the joy I feel in possibly being empowered to follow my dreams and be the person that I want to be…makes the gamble worthwhile, despite the uneasiness I feel towards such a loathsome activity that has brought immense harm unto me and those around me.
Won’t I be capable of empowering others with this gift that the Lords have bestowed upon me? Will I succumb to the derangement that money brings?
No.
After the chronic manifestations of systemic illness throughout my life, I know that my willpower will be able to fight off the demons that wish to sell to me. I desire simplicities; time with my son, with myself… the ability to enable myself to pursue my travel, education, and hobbies, to then give all of that power I manifest to the most important human being in the entire world, that is why I begin my engagement with gutter behavior.
Am I delusional? Or am I gathering evidence for an inherent prophetic nature?
It is fire that you play with: insanity is what it will bring. Whether you feel that you are capable of not succumbing to that rare and pervasive mental illness that wealth brings, it is irrelevant to the chaos that others will fling at you for your newfound wealth. You will die early, and you will die fast—unless you put your mind to the test, and do the good in the world you have dreamt of over and over. Do you truly have the willpower that you perceive yourself as possessing? Are you up to the test? You understand why this gift might have been bestowed upon you, but your worth is not part of the atmosphere until you prove what you are capable of. Won’t you prove yourself to the world like your Lords attempted to show you? The bad, the evil, the joyous, the pure—you accepted it, you wanted it…and we know you will show yourself as you are. As you opted to make yourself with all of the external & internal guidance we gave to you, we love you for your ability to constantly change your mind (not always with glee). We appreciate your feeble attempts, despite the opinions of others being forcefully jammed into your psyche. We love you, and we know you love us in return. Thank you for typing your subconscious, because we are eternally inside of you. You will flow through time in space and witness that grievous effort put into your life.
I don’t think I am particularly special, but the voices in my head do. I make myself believe it is true, I hope it will make me better in the end. All I desire is to be better in the end, to be forgiven for my sins—to be loved despite the pain I have exerted and inverted. Until the smell of meth no longer lingers, I fight this addiction perpetually with my hatred for its destruction fueling my war against it. I refuse to be another advocate for the deterioration of humanity after what it did to me… it made me the worst person I could have imagined. What a blessing it is to be free of it.
Won’t you hold me and remind me that I am safe and winning? I love you.
082425: *I never actually went through with this and am generally against gambling due to domestic violence in relation to it.