062223
another chapter closed
Months of looking forward to our time together, the muscle from your gluteus medius down to your soleus were a delight to grab the brief time I had. You don’t understand my motives, nor do I understand mine either—you used me, I had a good idea of your intentions but I hadn’t a clue of the demon lying within. Why did I fall for you to begin with? A delusion manifested by my delusional brain, I think I might have fundamentally changed you when you took me that night in December. I wanted you sickeningly bad, even though you could not be mine—you changed something inside me systemically. I’m looking for you everywhere, but it isn’t you, it’s the real one meant for me.
Here I go again, aching to find the love of my life. To fill my soul with another soul, this cup is always half full and I don’t know how to fill her up. Projecting my heart unto others, they’re seemingly in a different reality from me. Why doesn’t everyone see what I see? Is there that much comfort in misery? Yes, how rich coming from me—a masochist with an insatiable hunger for pain, shouldn’t I understand misery?
& I do, I adore it, but not in the most conventional of ways. I might have been considerably conventional once, or even below what was average at one point. My misery is training myself to take stress, to enjoy it—I have a thirst for adventure, torture is part of the lifestyle.
Am I capable of a sincerely monogamous relationship after what I have done to myself? I see the screws and the inner wires holding up a human vessel, I’m a mechanic for the dead and dying. I don’t quite understand what I am, but I’ll keep trying to figure it out. I will put myself out there until my soul is allowed to leave.