II; 11.28.22
You don’t treat me like a friend, nor a girlfriend. I am not quite sure what to make of it. I’ve been doing my best to process this experience, however, I am at a complete loss as to what I could be getting out of this.
Initially, you were very much empowering me. I will never be the same after our time together, though I don’t think it is healthy for me to be around someone that discourages me, that will not listen to me.
You would like to perceive yourself as above the game, yet you are another piece making moves like everybody else. Which is fine, I am too, but you don’t see the game while it is staring right at you. You’re in a vulnerable position, it seems to me that you think it should move in a particular way, and it should not. The game is what we make of it, the cards are dealt unto us, and we are fortunate enough to live somewhere that the cards could be shuffled about dramatically. It makes me sickly self-aware to know I was dealt a defective deck, and I am learning to be in love with it. After I learned to love myself, I fell in love with the entire world.
We are not the same. Which is a grand dynamic to have, we could learn a lot from one another. You have a lot of experiences that I do not have, and I have a lot of experiences that you do not have. But it no longer becomes meaningful once comparisons arise, when one party is no longer being heard.
I do NOT have the resources, nor the energy, to maintain a manic state, and I cannot be spending my time on BART sobbing publicly on a regular basis. I should be using my time in a more meaningful way. It is not healthy for me to spend time with someone who cannot listen, that makes me feel I should remain in the shadows in regards to my experience. They shaped me, I am far more than what is at the surface, I am far more beautiful than the flesh cursed upon me.
Does it scare you that I love this massive problem of living in a society, in which we, humanity, have failed repeatedly to lift itself adequately?
I don’t feel entitled to a single collectively valued dime. I feel obligated to be the change in the world, to make change in the world, where every action matters. Every repressed act that could cause a net positive growth on this Earth collects debt that has to be paid eventually to retain sanity.
I know that I love you because I love every crevice of humanity, I do not think you love me because you do not even love yourself.
—I am lifted where it matters more often than not. I credit that to not needing verbal words to feel confident in myself, I know myself better than anyone else. I give her a lot of credit after overcoming a lifetime of abuse that I was led to believe was deserved. I deserve people in my life who are willing to take the time, the energy, to comprehend my journey out of the depths of subhumanity. I want this life more than anything after learning how evil it could be, I am eternally grateful to see the happiness in the minuscule details of the surroundings I have been gifted.
The only person I fear is myself. Everyone knows it, whether they logically know it, it is felt within the bone when I am encountered too close. I understand why you might fear me, but that is not fear of me that you feel. It is the fear you feel of the other you who is trapped inside you. I know my honesty leads to conflict within the self, I am not a common person to experience.
I couldn’t hold ill will towards anyone’s flaws, even if they might hurt me, because I know the capacity to possess flaws to exist within myself, that I have had and frequently exhibit. It is a part of the game of life, the curse of birth—being an entire universe existing within another ever-expanding universe.
It is so beautiful—can’t you look in the mirror, into your eyes, and finally be able to tell yourself, honestly, something you have yet to have a chance to, “I love you.”