des.fyi

FIN090425

I believe the last day of July truly highlighted that I did not love this man I was with. While I desperately tried to love myself, I was unable to. How could I love myself if I was with a man I did not love and saw as a monkey to observe? The voices constantly degraded me, but most importantly: they degraded HIM. And they had every right to when he withheld vital information such as how he shared a toothbrush with his alcoholic benzo addicted wife for a solid 8 years. I only found out at the start of this year, 2025, when I was homeless with him in Fredericksburg, TX, which prompted me to stop kissing him / sharing food and that yielded a swift reduction in psychosis. What in the Hell can you create by rotting with another person? Before this toothbrush debacle was uncovered, I was getting yelled at by Lucifer for not leaving him. I endured unnecessary harm to my mind & body by staying with him into the new year, as I nearly died in Arkansas from anaphylaxis due to what I believe was malicious intent on my parents part. I believe the aggressive degradation given to me by Lucifer was to prepare me for the inevitability of leaving him & realizing what I’d learned from my time dumpster diving into humanity.

Did I really nearly die or was it all part of Lucifers plan?

Despite the near death experience, I do forgive my parents, especially my Father, though what he did was wrong, there was far worse experienced in the hands of my Mother. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and accept that much of my personality was shaped by the good times we spent together, seeing him work hard doing what he was passionate about, and showing me all sorts of media that shaped my personality that attached Lucifer to me… that is Everything. I am my Fathers daughter, and my Mother hated me ruthlessly for it. I was born to serve her, I had to! For I destroyed her body, as she would say. But thank Lucifer my Father was a tradesman who told me I could learn without a university in our house full of books. It felt like affirmation and raw betrayal when he immediately began collecting dolls when I first moved out of the house…

Even though I might forgive, it does not mean I have to allow back in those that betrayed me.

The pain and turmoil I experienced while I was homeless with a man that was utterly dysfunctional & worsened my disability to make himself feel better when he had to care for me during the aftermath… was reminiscent of what my Mother did to me. I perceived this man to be nothing more than a woman festering in too many hormones from toxic food & recreational drug use, unable to think straight, prioritizing gratifying himself with media consumption & making believe he was capable. This reaction I had to his skincells was far worse than being awake a week on methamphetamine–it’s like I could hear into his deluded mind, which I have experienced before getting into close quarters with drug addicts & their remnants on the back of BART (even that wasn’t anywhere near as bad). He did not honor my insight that has kept me from being behind bars, which is utterly ignorant when he has been in jail before and I have not! He cared for his delusion more than reality, and I was constantly under duress because he would not even try to look well-kept to avoid attention towards us. He violated my desire for privacy and sneaky ways that I’ve utilized my entire adulthood to divert attention. I don’t want my vessel to be entertainment¹. His rat cage of a mind would accuse me of caring what others think, but that is THE GAME when you are committing a crime by being homeless & shoplifting to get by! I had everything that I am not projected onto me by this man, and I wonder if I would have gotten away with it if I snapped his neck to completion between my calves (my greatest asset) like I nearly did.

It’s funny how his wife wanted us to both die, as I stated in a much earlier piece. He couldn’t kill me even when he tried because he wasn’t real. They’re both dead spiritually and exist as contagions. I had mercy only to avoid dealing with the law.

I am disgusted by the amount of people I have attempted to hold dear to me whose only concern is how they are perceived, or worse! How I AM perceived! When I am aware, and I do not care. For fuck sake, I’m out here calling human beings pedophillic contagions!!! I am myself. I love myself. Why do I need to be told what others might think of me? Do these people even exist? I can imagine how I am perceived, and ultimately, I am pleased with how I perceive myself. The nonexistent bickering is nonsense and not even worth putting down onto paper–oh how I do regret the times I’d become so weak that I WOULD put it down.

I want the system to be gone! I don’t want to be a TV show, an influencer, a movie star, a vtuber, a social media addict–I want it to burn! I hate it! I don’t hate people, I hate the system! I exist as myself and that alone is enough for people to believe that I wish to KILL them! No! We all need to kill some part of ourselves sometimes, but I wish for US to live! Stupid worthless garbage products constantly seen festering upon the Earth, I hate YOU! Not humanity! I want to learn from everyone, I want to love human beings as much as possible. I hate the animals people value more than human beings! I hate the way people frankenstein their pets that need to be taken out back and shot!

Shucks… I still try to love everything anyhow… even those yucky cootie-having-ass-too-much-dander-ass creatures…

I do not believe in incarceration, I believe in rehabilitation. I honor the power that human sacrifice has provided the Americas historically. Oh… how much better our soil could be without ritualistic use of coffins and instead allowing it to flourish with our decaying carcasses mending in with the soil…worms…other fellows… and maybe without those nutrient depleting fucking subsidized crops!

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my anti industrialization & money manifesto. Please tell your friends, familys, foes…