090823
9.8.23
The allure of socializing is full of lies, surface-level connections, and pathetic persuasions—nod their heads, they do not care for what makes me live. They do not have investments in the reality I live while their eyes are nowhere to be seen on me.
I am not lost, I take the hand of those I know not to trust and they lead me astray. I am an abandoned puppy who looks for a home in everybody; it does me a disservice to be such a drooling lapdog to people who make more money in a year than I have had in my life. Am I simply a scavenger in their uncensored minds as they take me around like an accessory?
This life I am experiencing fills me with bitter anger, with the underlying residuals of utter hopeless sadness. I cannot even cry any longer, at the realization of what I had done last night, I became a squeaking wet mess. Tearing off clothes with hints of vomit, after barely dodging the interior of the cab driver’s car. Nobody cared as I was actively falling apart in front of that murky karaoke bar.
The only person who cares for me without ulterior motives is myself. Nobody else. It is easy to forget when there are those who attempt to give me what I have never had before, but it is not out of the goodness of their heart. I am being exploited. I deserve more than I have gotten, and I will get what I am due so I may change the world in ways I have only ever fantasized about.
It will not eat me alive even as I lose points for the education I have always wanted—I am sick from poisoning myself to endure a scene that was not made for me. I don’t understand what came over me, what I thought I was proving—I was possessed, they deserved much less.
Love will find its way to me, even as needles grow in my bones to fight against me, and as the trauma resurfaces to remind me of how worthless I was made to seem. I will kill myself for true love, over and over. There will be no rest for me until I am unabashedly in love and loved exactly the same in return.
I’m listening to you, my love, and I am sorry, that I cannot stop trying to find fingertips to caress my skin. I love you for all you are and all you do for me. I will interact with the dregs of the underworld if it means I can have love, I will do anything to know love in this life. Thank you, for allowing me to live. Allowing me to love despite the betrayal and torment. I will be loved. I am loved.